Ajumma

A spotters' guide to Ajumma

Appearance:

Ajumma is sometimes translated as aunt but really is a polite way of addressing married older women. Imagine the kind of aunts that torment William in 'Just William'. On achieving the status of 'Ajumma' she must acquire the uniform. Make-up is applied thickly with as much boldness as a tribal tattoo, one-inch foundation and bright pink lipstick is smeared on. A thermal vest is worn regardless of the season, temperature seems to have no noticeable effect. If she is a particularly classical Ajumma she will sport a thick vest decorated with garish and vivid patterns, if she considers herself more trendy she will wear a waterproof sports jacket in a rainbow of offensively bright colours. Fashionable brands seems to change on a decade cycle and current brands which are enjoying patronage are Eider and North Face. All Ajumma exhibit a terrifying turn of pace whether dashing through you on the underground or getting the choicest fish at the market. Accordingly they dress appropriately, in Adidas tracksuits. JD Sports should relocate, their target wardrobes are in Seoul's retirement homes. Comfortable but practical slip-on trainers are worn at all times. Neon pink and green features heavily. Lastly, the crown for all Ajumma, a golf visor which is apparently designed to protect the face from the sun's rays and the appalling threat of wrinkling.The visor casts the whole face in a pinkish glow and makes every Ajumma a pocket general, these Napoleons' march down the street using the visor as a battering-ram. Ajumma know that face masks are for wimps. 

Habitat: 

Ajumma live throughout Korea and will be found running almost every institution they happen to come into contact with. They do not really believe in leisure but are fanatical excisors. Exercise parks are small areas filled with an array of contraptions and Ajumma flock to these watering holes. It is here that they can demonstrate their proficiency at weird leanings and gentle stretches which are accompanied by much grunting. It is this routine which grants Ajumma with eternal life. They are also intrepid mountaineers, the steeper the better. Donning sports sunglasses and with walking sticks raised they trudge up the mountain dragging their poor soju-addled husbands behind them. Some Ajumma have become aware of the dangerous potential of wielding walking sticks and have weaponised them, using them for daily errands and gesticulating at innocent bystanders. Other Ajumma noted the effectiveness of Soviet tanks in the Korean War and have constructed their own versions. Now they chunder down the middle of the pavement leaning on a four wheel metal devices laden with food. Ajumma know that queuing is for losers. 

Occupation: 

Ajumma long ago realised that families control Korea. From the humblest restaurant to the most grotesque chaebol the structure of family prevails; even the Samsung dynasty run the government... Therefore by asserting themselves as absolute rulers of the family Ajumma find themselves wielding immense power. Ajummas' governing style is a potent blend of Frederick the Great and Vlad the Impaler. Absolute and capricious rulers full of wisdom and wrath which they unabashedly express in roars, flecks of kimchi and raw beef rain down upon the loved one or victim alike. I have seen children both kissed and kicked almost simultaneously.  Ajumma's omnipotence means they do all jobs at all social strata, every morning tiny women carry enormous wheelbarrows and perform the role of mobile skips. Meanwhile others drive exhausted children crumpled in the back of huge saloon cars to school where they will then pick them up and drop them off at after school academies till late into the night. Then they will then go home and cook huge ten dish meals while washing and ironing in a tornado of relentless activity. Most men of this age are so broken by work they sit toothlessly staring into the distance. One of Ajumma's greatest pleasures is to shout at her gregarious husband and his prattling drinking buddies and send them home. They always obey. Ajumma know that men are incompetent. 

The herd:

Ajumma are matriarchs and much admire the Black Widow spider's policy of eating their mate immediately after reproduction. Yet Ajumma know that fermented Ajussi (old man) is not good to eat so grant him life. To give men the pretence of usefulness they let them wear suits and go to factories so they come home exhausted and leave them in peace. Ajumma are extremely territorial and it is very rare to seem them socialise with each other. When many congregate it is a seriously dangerous situation. The Korean government deployed thousands of armed riot police during the recent pro-President-Park demonstrations which contained large numbers of Ajumma. Whole supermarkets have been destroyed by brawling Ajummas. This lonely existence is softened by grandchildren who are often abandoned at homes by harrassed parents perpetually late for work. They are totally indulged by Ajumma and have become hopelessly spoilt from her love. No self-respecting Korean child below the age of thirteen would dream of tying their own laces. Because Ajumma's live for so long they do not believe they sugar is bad for you and provides liberal quantities of fizzy drink and sweets. Though Ajumma would rather you were completing A level maths questions she knows that Kim Song is online and that gaming is the only way for the grandchild to speak to her friends. Ajumma knows what's for the best. 

Threat of extinction: 

Ajumma are such ferocious beasts that their vulnerabilities are hidden beneath the armour of bullet-proof foundation and severe mascara. Conservationists are now worrying for the future of Ajummas. Korea has changed into a different world from the spartan poverty that most Ajummas grew up in post civil war Korea. This prosperous world they helped to build has collided with Capitalist comfort to create the all consuming, for ever working animal that is the Ajumma. For future generations raised in the trappings of luxury and the inane drumming of K-Pop the Ajumma may be dying out. This may be a good thing, the vulnerabilities about ageing and beauty will dissipate and the visor will be slung off. The world of endless domestic work will slacken as perception about gender roles collapse. However, the values of the Ajumma: the work ethic, aspiration, self-betterment and love of family must be preserved. So, please adopt an Ajumma today and remember 'Ajumma knows what's for the best'.